In order to be found....

 Journal entries 

February 22 2011

Running, running, through a thicket of brush, lost, out of breath; it IS possible to drown while standing on solid ground. No time! There is no more time. How can a person so lost and confused ever find their way?

She lays there staring up at the ceiling wishing the crushing pain in her heart would stop, but she knows the only way to do that would be to make her heart stop all together. If only she didn’t have that teeny, tiny twinge of “I refuse to quit” in her.

If only, if only.

IN ORDER TO BE FOUND, YOU HAVE TO BE LOST

April 12, 2011

When I was 14 my mom held my arm up in front of her friends and shook it so that my arm fat went back and forth, and said, “look at it her arm is bigger than mine!” I am now 27 and I am still struggling from the disease that it brought on, bulimia. I thought it was fixed. I thought I was done with it. But I have gained 30 extra pounds due to this stupid post pardon depression. (I have been so alone in a dark place with no one who could even comprehend even a little bit of what it feels like to give birth to two amazing twin babies and fail at everything I have tried to do.) I looked to food as comfort (yes it is a real thing). I have been on the wicked diet and tonight at 12:30am while out bowling I ate a slice of pizza so I would not get too drunk.  I immediately came home and threw it up.

I know it is bad, as I also know that when I lose self-control I will fall back to that easy habit. I will be an official personal trainer soon. How can I motivate people to the right thing when I suffer from such a great disease? Richard Simmons did it right? I can’t help but think that my relapse is due to the fact that deep deep down in my hear t I am I want to be perfect so that I can…. You know what I don’t even want to write the truth down because that will make it real, and I am not ready for it.

I do know that tonight will not define the rest of my life. I saw what lead me to the big mistake and I will fight to not make it again.

 April  5, 2011

I am sad right now, not really sure why. I guess that is the big thing with depression. The harder you try to push it away from your life, the harder it tries to grip on your soul and push you down.

I don’t want to be a prisoner anymore.

This journal is the only friend that I have that I can have a serious talk to about life, it’s pain, lose, gain all those things. Except there is no brilliant other point of view to listen to after I pour my heart out. It is just me. So In the silence and solace I have to figure out life for me and my daughters. It’s a scary thing to face, but I have to it right? Of course this is life it will pass all of us by and that is what I have been letting it do to me for the past few years. I have not been moving forward I have been stuck in one place. I have always talked about what I wanted to do, but I never ever took the steps to get it done, and I am tired of just talking about the great things I want to do. I want to live them out and tell people how amazing it was. I genuinely want to help people.

March 26, 2011

I have been afraid of my own thoughts, afraid of the truth.  What is the truth? I am a lie, my life is a lie, all of it, my entire existence is a big façade. So is this it? Is the big lesson we need to learn? We are all born one person this lie, this shell of a human being, and in the journey we have to find the real “us” the” truth”

It has to be because I am not this person who has taken over my body. She is fat, lazy, gluttonous, a loser, a selfish loser who had not one single strand of hope. She has no hope.  But I’m here. I am buried real deep. So… deep.

I want my body back.

The beautiful, strong, healthy, well-liked body.

Tug- of-war.

How do I fix this. How do I access that part of my mind? The one that doesn’t need feel – good pleasures to survive.

I want to become obsessed. I want to be obsessed by the thought that I need to be a better person. I want it to become me, define me, and make me who I am. I want it to consume me, engulf me like it were the flames and I am on the steak.

She’s sad. She wishes she were a better person, but she can’t get out of the comfort of her “lie” 

Escalators and Elevators

It’s amazing how habits can become instinct.

Here I am at the midtown MARTA station; I exit the train and head the long way around just to take the escalator. Halfway there I realized that I made a promise to myself to take the steps, and at that moment I thought ‘well I will take the steps next time.’ A few seconds later, there I stood in front of a broken escalator looking up at the 20 or more steps and laughing at myself. 

At the very beginning of my journey I was ready to give up on a tiny little victory. I know had that escalator been up and running, I would have loathed myself by the end of that ride. Lucky for me reality was there waiting with a big slap in the face. Proving to me how out of shape I actually am cos’ I walked up those steps, and yes I was a tab bit out of breathe when I reached the top. It is a little sad, but I also did give birth to twins eight months ago. This is not an excuse, but it does make me feel a little better about it. ;)

I have learned that for me change works better if I do it a little bit at a time. To fail at something small is easier to come back from than failing at something big. I will be going for my first run on Nov. 29^th and it should be quite interesting.  Running use to be my vice my addiction, now I am terrified of the thought. I do believe that it is more of the failure I am afraid of, and I do expect to drop the ball along the way. But for the past two years my life has been going steadily downhill, and this is an attempt to push it and the boulder size luggage that I carry back up that hill with me.

In a few months I hope to be writing about how running has become habit and instinct and no more fears will plague my heart. But for now I will learn the lessons in the tiny victories and little failures that I bump into on my way back up the hill.

One year

One year.

So much can happen in one year. So much growth, change and life can happen in a year’s time.

A year ago I was suppose to run my first full marathon, but instead I was three months pregnant with twins. Now they are going on eight months old and yet another race is passing me by; literally.  Starting today I am doing something different with my Lionheart blog. I will now be keeping a daily log of my growth, triumphs, failures, and lessons learned for the next year. As I get ready to run the full Atlanta Marathon 2011. I will start off with little mini-goals. My first will be to train for a half marathon in April 2011 the ING. 

This will give me four months to whip myself into shape, while looking for a stable job, moving, and being a single mom.

Starting weight: (let’s just say I can’t fit into my favorite $200 pair of size two jeans)

·         I need to lose 20-35lbs

·         Starting off I need to go on a diet and cleanse my body before I even start working out. This will last two weeks.

                    Hello Ardens Garden, Grand Slams, and Pear juice

My diet will start off Pesco-vegetarian and light carbs. until I get into hard training. Then obviously I will be eating a lot of carbs and red-meat.

Vices (I need to lose)

·         Stress related smoking (I can’t run if I can’t breathe)

·         Drinking cola (also due to stress)

·         Binge eating (yes guilty)

·         Escalators and elevators when I can simply take the steps

·         Spending and entire day on the couch playing video games (so long black ops and reach)

Things I may keep/add: (personal)

·         My Mohawk (it makes me feel free)

·         More tattoos (of course)

·         And I really want more facial piercings

·         My Cobra Starship C.D ( haha)

·         My Motivation

·         My Celibacy (I am not letting another person hinder my goals)

So as of today, I am taking a step to accomplish a life- long dream of mine. My personal life consist of me and my little darlings.(and a few choice, close, near and dear friends) I am not attached and I am completely turned off by the idea of dating. So, I am my own cheerleader. My girls are my motivation. And my failures are what keep pushing me.

We will all see where this goes.

Cheers

Airplane

CONTROL

Like this pose. In our life we have to have balance and control.

As I was doing a yoga pose today called 'Airplane' I could not keep my balance because I did not have control over my mind. It just would not sit still and concentrate. It got me thinking about things. 

There are many types of control good and bad. I think we all know what the good kind is as well as we all know where the bad kind will lead. 

VIOLENCE

So many stories about people getting abused and it always started out with someone who is controlling. 

For a while I felt trapped. And I felt as if I was being looked down upon because I wasn't going out and meeting people in this strange new place. Then I started to regain my confidence. Like the adult that I am I would go out and about alone, meet people. And felt as if I could keep the good parts of my life secret. You know my happy sanctuary that I could hide in when things started to get bad.

 Words kept echoing in my head as I was trying to balance this afternoon. My goal was to fix myself. Become more of myself, the person that got lost. But my progression keeps getting interrupted. Like there is something in the universe that wants to keep holding me back, and push me down at the same time.  So in order to not lose control I have to regain control. 

I have placed myself in an imaginary bubble. I keep my heart, soul and feelings locked up. They are almost fully healed and I intend to keep them that way. To keep control I have to follow the 

'F that Stuff" rule:

Life is too short to let trivial things that won't matter in a few days, weeks, months bog you down

I have to hold steady and stay strong. And pray the power of the good in the universe is on my side. And violence will not come my way. 

I hope that my bad dreams will not come true. I hope that I won't get hurt. 

I hope that I can steady my mind and find peace. 

I CONTROL MY FATE

Sleep Overs

We all have moments of desperation pure and utter helplessness.

Mine caused me to move to another country for a bit.

Lost head in a fog I needed to get away.

Displace myself from the situation so I see it more clearly.

I remember when I first got here 45 days ago every time I sat down to tackle my life I have a panic attack.

I had to fix myself before I could start with my life

It took me even longer to realize that is what I needed to do. 

I had to be selfish and think about me.

What do I want?

What would make me smile today?

What would help me be a little less anxious?

I also had to realize, I needed to find my center again. 

Meditate

Breathe

Dance (even if it's alone)

Today I  am getting things done. Even though I have to take constant breaks because I can feel  myself getting overwhelmed. 

What helps a person cope with this crappy disease? It's actually a delicate balance. As much a person needs to be alone to find themselves again, they also need friendships that are accepting, welcoming, and non-judgmental so they don't FEEL the loneliness. 

I was so fortunate to have a friend reach out to me and take me in to help me. I am and will always be forever grateful. He gave me the kind of friendship he knew how to give, it was a little hard for me at first, me being a creature from the earth. My friends and I hug, chat, laugh, get drunk together. All amazing 

CRAIC

(if you don't know what that is.. look it up)

*It's like all of my friendships up to this point have been one big sleep over*

However, the other night I went out dancing with a couple of friends that I met here and one looked at me and said 

"I am so happy you are having a good time, I'm happy you got to dace!"

In that instant I knew I had what I needed. It's crazy how different things work for different people. And how everyone possesses different qualities. But the one thing that we all need to have common between us is:

UNDERSTANDING

*One friend kept asking me questions about what was going on with me and what I was doing. I had to explain to him I couldn't talk about it cos' it was overwhelming. 

He stepped back and understood.*

We all have moments of desperation pure and utter helplessness.

With a step at a time and an open mind. 

You can get through anything.

Lift your head out of the water and take in that first breath, hear the stillness, hear the silence

Drowning that is what the past few months have been like, actually the past year and a half. But only recently have I hit the climax of it all. And I was able to at least stick my head above the water.

See the beauty within your pain. I have a tattoo on my body to remind me of that every single day of the rest of my life. 

Yet in past few months I have been so lost and confused I couldn't see anything. I have been forced to not be who I really am but to be this person that just makes the ones around me comfortable. 

FAKE

If I had a marker; that is what I would have written in my reflection. So that every time I would catch a glimpse I would be reminded.

After all of these countless dreams I have been having I woke up one day and realized I was done. No more. I will be me. It turns out the real me inside had absolutely nothing to say. NOTHING and I didn't care. 

I'd rather sit in awkward silence than to pretend anymore.

I believe if I get down the the core of who I really am, in the end my true self will be one thing and one thing only.

REAL 

I get it. Some people would rather live their life just skimming the surface instead of getting deep, down, and dirty. 

Even though I have nothing, I am overjoyed and happy, because I know with every breath I take I am not trying to hide, or cover up. I am not afraid to see my flaws and do the horrible job of fixing them to make me a better person. In these 27 years I have lived so far I have seen countless number of people who had all that they needed and most of all they wanted. Except they were sad. A few people have even been so lost in their sadness they wouldn't even acknowledge the reason why they were unhappy with simple things like their job, the town they lived in, or their peers. Nothing was good enough. I made a promise to myself that no matter how hard things get, I will always do the pain staking job of figuring out what was wrong.

Now I know and everyone around me knows that I am battling a bout with depression. There is no reason to hide from it because it is here, and there were a few times I let it consume me drag me down. I kept kicking and fighting. Now even though I am not nearly done with this battle, there is one word that has come into my life like Prince Charming riding in on his lovely steed.

SOLACE

Dream Catcher round 2

Last night's dream was vivid. They have all been lately. So much so that I am convinced to read into them. I feel as if the universe is trying to tell me something.

I won't go into full details about the dream, but I was in a strange town and didn't not feel accepted or at home. So I went to France alone where I met a family who took me in on the walk to their car we ended up on a road. A long narrow road with swamp like water on both sides. On the left the water was filled with foxes. I remember asking the mom "Are those foxes?" and she yes they were always there.

*To dream of foxes means someone around you is sly, or cunning, there is trickery. I have no trust in my life at the moment.

Now the water it was dark, swampy, murky.

*This represents difficulty.

In order to get to the car we had to go into the waist deep water on the left. I put my feet in, but I had on high heels and did not want to go any further so I walked back to the road and waited for them to come get me.

*Now with the high heels that expresses such femininity, assurance, but it can also mean you don't feel as if you can fully and whole-heartily express yourself.

*Water is such a strong sign to see in a dream, but the fact that I was afraid to go into it. So unsure. Even though I was not submerging myself into the dark waters. I can only take it as the depression I am trying to fight. I refused to go in deeper.

*Of course a road means journey or some sort, but ended up waiting on the side of the road.

Getting in the car. It was a safe ride and I felt so comfortable with everyone in the car we had long conversations, and even though they were all French everyone spoke in English to make me feel welcomed. I just really remember the feeling of being safe and accepted.

* to dream of a car can mean quite a bit as well symbolize the physical self or ego development ans ego function. The movement of the car is way of feeling like I am making progress in my life, and I feel in control. However being the passenger and not the driver symbolizes someone else is in control at the moment.