In order to be found....

 Journal entries 

February 22 2011

Running, running, through a thicket of brush, lost, out of breath; it IS possible to drown while standing on solid ground. No time! There is no more time. How can a person so lost and confused ever find their way?

She lays there staring up at the ceiling wishing the crushing pain in her heart would stop, but she knows the only way to do that would be to make her heart stop all together. If only she didn’t have that teeny, tiny twinge of “I refuse to quit” in her.

If only, if only.

IN ORDER TO BE FOUND, YOU HAVE TO BE LOST

April 12, 2011

When I was 14 my mom held my arm up in front of her friends and shook it so that my arm fat went back and forth, and said, “look at it her arm is bigger than mine!” I am now 27 and I am still struggling from the disease that it brought on, bulimia. I thought it was fixed. I thought I was done with it. But I have gained 30 extra pounds due to this stupid post pardon depression. (I have been so alone in a dark place with no one who could even comprehend even a little bit of what it feels like to give birth to two amazing twin babies and fail at everything I have tried to do.) I looked to food as comfort (yes it is a real thing). I have been on the wicked diet and tonight at 12:30am while out bowling I ate a slice of pizza so I would not get too drunk.  I immediately came home and threw it up.

I know it is bad, as I also know that when I lose self-control I will fall back to that easy habit. I will be an official personal trainer soon. How can I motivate people to the right thing when I suffer from such a great disease? Richard Simmons did it right? I can’t help but think that my relapse is due to the fact that deep deep down in my hear t I am I want to be perfect so that I can…. You know what I don’t even want to write the truth down because that will make it real, and I am not ready for it.

I do know that tonight will not define the rest of my life. I saw what lead me to the big mistake and I will fight to not make it again.

 April  5, 2011

I am sad right now, not really sure why. I guess that is the big thing with depression. The harder you try to push it away from your life, the harder it tries to grip on your soul and push you down.

I don’t want to be a prisoner anymore.

This journal is the only friend that I have that I can have a serious talk to about life, it’s pain, lose, gain all those things. Except there is no brilliant other point of view to listen to after I pour my heart out. It is just me. So In the silence and solace I have to figure out life for me and my daughters. It’s a scary thing to face, but I have to it right? Of course this is life it will pass all of us by and that is what I have been letting it do to me for the past few years. I have not been moving forward I have been stuck in one place. I have always talked about what I wanted to do, but I never ever took the steps to get it done, and I am tired of just talking about the great things I want to do. I want to live them out and tell people how amazing it was. I genuinely want to help people.

March 26, 2011

I have been afraid of my own thoughts, afraid of the truth.  What is the truth? I am a lie, my life is a lie, all of it, my entire existence is a big façade. So is this it? Is the big lesson we need to learn? We are all born one person this lie, this shell of a human being, and in the journey we have to find the real “us” the” truth”

It has to be because I am not this person who has taken over my body. She is fat, lazy, gluttonous, a loser, a selfish loser who had not one single strand of hope. She has no hope.  But I’m here. I am buried real deep. So… deep.

I want my body back.

The beautiful, strong, healthy, well-liked body.

Tug- of-war.

How do I fix this. How do I access that part of my mind? The one that doesn’t need feel – good pleasures to survive.

I want to become obsessed. I want to be obsessed by the thought that I need to be a better person. I want it to become me, define me, and make me who I am. I want it to consume me, engulf me like it were the flames and I am on the steak.

She’s sad. She wishes she were a better person, but she can’t get out of the comfort of her “lie” 

Escalators and Elevators

It’s amazing how habits can become instinct.

Here I am at the midtown MARTA station; I exit the train and head the long way around just to take the escalator. Halfway there I realized that I made a promise to myself to take the steps, and at that moment I thought ‘well I will take the steps next time.’ A few seconds later, there I stood in front of a broken escalator looking up at the 20 or more steps and laughing at myself. 

At the very beginning of my journey I was ready to give up on a tiny little victory. I know had that escalator been up and running, I would have loathed myself by the end of that ride. Lucky for me reality was there waiting with a big slap in the face. Proving to me how out of shape I actually am cos’ I walked up those steps, and yes I was a tab bit out of breathe when I reached the top. It is a little sad, but I also did give birth to twins eight months ago. This is not an excuse, but it does make me feel a little better about it. ;)

I have learned that for me change works better if I do it a little bit at a time. To fail at something small is easier to come back from than failing at something big. I will be going for my first run on Nov. 29^th and it should be quite interesting.  Running use to be my vice my addiction, now I am terrified of the thought. I do believe that it is more of the failure I am afraid of, and I do expect to drop the ball along the way. But for the past two years my life has been going steadily downhill, and this is an attempt to push it and the boulder size luggage that I carry back up that hill with me.

In a few months I hope to be writing about how running has become habit and instinct and no more fears will plague my heart. But for now I will learn the lessons in the tiny victories and little failures that I bump into on my way back up the hill.

One year

One year.

So much can happen in one year. So much growth, change and life can happen in a year’s time.

A year ago I was suppose to run my first full marathon, but instead I was three months pregnant with twins. Now they are going on eight months old and yet another race is passing me by; literally.  Starting today I am doing something different with my Lionheart blog. I will now be keeping a daily log of my growth, triumphs, failures, and lessons learned for the next year. As I get ready to run the full Atlanta Marathon 2011. I will start off with little mini-goals. My first will be to train for a half marathon in April 2011 the ING. 

This will give me four months to whip myself into shape, while looking for a stable job, moving, and being a single mom.

Starting weight: (let’s just say I can’t fit into my favorite $200 pair of size two jeans)

·         I need to lose 20-35lbs

·         Starting off I need to go on a diet and cleanse my body before I even start working out. This will last two weeks.

                    Hello Ardens Garden, Grand Slams, and Pear juice

My diet will start off Pesco-vegetarian and light carbs. until I get into hard training. Then obviously I will be eating a lot of carbs and red-meat.

Vices (I need to lose)

·         Stress related smoking (I can’t run if I can’t breathe)

·         Drinking cola (also due to stress)

·         Binge eating (yes guilty)

·         Escalators and elevators when I can simply take the steps

·         Spending and entire day on the couch playing video games (so long black ops and reach)

Things I may keep/add: (personal)

·         My Mohawk (it makes me feel free)

·         More tattoos (of course)

·         And I really want more facial piercings

·         My Cobra Starship C.D ( haha)

·         My Motivation

·         My Celibacy (I am not letting another person hinder my goals)

So as of today, I am taking a step to accomplish a life- long dream of mine. My personal life consist of me and my little darlings.(and a few choice, close, near and dear friends) I am not attached and I am completely turned off by the idea of dating. So, I am my own cheerleader. My girls are my motivation. And my failures are what keep pushing me.

We will all see where this goes.

Cheers

Airplane

CONTROL

Like this pose. In our life we have to have balance and control.

As I was doing a yoga pose today called 'Airplane' I could not keep my balance because I did not have control over my mind. It just would not sit still and concentrate. It got me thinking about things. 

There are many types of control good and bad. I think we all know what the good kind is as well as we all know where the bad kind will lead. 

VIOLENCE

So many stories about people getting abused and it always started out with someone who is controlling. 

For a while I felt trapped. And I felt as if I was being looked down upon because I wasn't going out and meeting people in this strange new place. Then I started to regain my confidence. Like the adult that I am I would go out and about alone, meet people. And felt as if I could keep the good parts of my life secret. You know my happy sanctuary that I could hide in when things started to get bad.

 Words kept echoing in my head as I was trying to balance this afternoon. My goal was to fix myself. Become more of myself, the person that got lost. But my progression keeps getting interrupted. Like there is something in the universe that wants to keep holding me back, and push me down at the same time.  So in order to not lose control I have to regain control. 

I have placed myself in an imaginary bubble. I keep my heart, soul and feelings locked up. They are almost fully healed and I intend to keep them that way. To keep control I have to follow the 

'F that Stuff" rule:

Life is too short to let trivial things that won't matter in a few days, weeks, months bog you down

I have to hold steady and stay strong. And pray the power of the good in the universe is on my side. And violence will not come my way. 

I hope that my bad dreams will not come true. I hope that I won't get hurt. 

I hope that I can steady my mind and find peace. 

I CONTROL MY FATE

Sleep Overs

We all have moments of desperation pure and utter helplessness.

Mine caused me to move to another country for a bit.

Lost head in a fog I needed to get away.

Displace myself from the situation so I see it more clearly.

I remember when I first got here 45 days ago every time I sat down to tackle my life I have a panic attack.

I had to fix myself before I could start with my life

It took me even longer to realize that is what I needed to do. 

I had to be selfish and think about me.

What do I want?

What would make me smile today?

What would help me be a little less anxious?

I also had to realize, I needed to find my center again. 

Meditate

Breathe

Dance (even if it's alone)

Today I  am getting things done. Even though I have to take constant breaks because I can feel  myself getting overwhelmed. 

What helps a person cope with this crappy disease? It's actually a delicate balance. As much a person needs to be alone to find themselves again, they also need friendships that are accepting, welcoming, and non-judgmental so they don't FEEL the loneliness. 

I was so fortunate to have a friend reach out to me and take me in to help me. I am and will always be forever grateful. He gave me the kind of friendship he knew how to give, it was a little hard for me at first, me being a creature from the earth. My friends and I hug, chat, laugh, get drunk together. All amazing 

CRAIC

(if you don't know what that is.. look it up)

*It's like all of my friendships up to this point have been one big sleep over*

However, the other night I went out dancing with a couple of friends that I met here and one looked at me and said 

"I am so happy you are having a good time, I'm happy you got to dace!"

In that instant I knew I had what I needed. It's crazy how different things work for different people. And how everyone possesses different qualities. But the one thing that we all need to have common between us is:

UNDERSTANDING

*One friend kept asking me questions about what was going on with me and what I was doing. I had to explain to him I couldn't talk about it cos' it was overwhelming. 

He stepped back and understood.*

We all have moments of desperation pure and utter helplessness.

With a step at a time and an open mind. 

You can get through anything.

Lift your head out of the water and take in that first breath, hear the stillness, hear the silence

Drowning that is what the past few months have been like, actually the past year and a half. But only recently have I hit the climax of it all. And I was able to at least stick my head above the water.

See the beauty within your pain. I have a tattoo on my body to remind me of that every single day of the rest of my life. 

Yet in past few months I have been so lost and confused I couldn't see anything. I have been forced to not be who I really am but to be this person that just makes the ones around me comfortable. 

FAKE

If I had a marker; that is what I would have written in my reflection. So that every time I would catch a glimpse I would be reminded.

After all of these countless dreams I have been having I woke up one day and realized I was done. No more. I will be me. It turns out the real me inside had absolutely nothing to say. NOTHING and I didn't care. 

I'd rather sit in awkward silence than to pretend anymore.

I believe if I get down the the core of who I really am, in the end my true self will be one thing and one thing only.

REAL 

I get it. Some people would rather live their life just skimming the surface instead of getting deep, down, and dirty. 

Even though I have nothing, I am overjoyed and happy, because I know with every breath I take I am not trying to hide, or cover up. I am not afraid to see my flaws and do the horrible job of fixing them to make me a better person. In these 27 years I have lived so far I have seen countless number of people who had all that they needed and most of all they wanted. Except they were sad. A few people have even been so lost in their sadness they wouldn't even acknowledge the reason why they were unhappy with simple things like their job, the town they lived in, or their peers. Nothing was good enough. I made a promise to myself that no matter how hard things get, I will always do the pain staking job of figuring out what was wrong.

Now I know and everyone around me knows that I am battling a bout with depression. There is no reason to hide from it because it is here, and there were a few times I let it consume me drag me down. I kept kicking and fighting. Now even though I am not nearly done with this battle, there is one word that has come into my life like Prince Charming riding in on his lovely steed.

SOLACE

Dream Catcher round 2

Last night's dream was vivid. They have all been lately. So much so that I am convinced to read into them. I feel as if the universe is trying to tell me something.

I won't go into full details about the dream, but I was in a strange town and didn't not feel accepted or at home. So I went to France alone where I met a family who took me in on the walk to their car we ended up on a road. A long narrow road with swamp like water on both sides. On the left the water was filled with foxes. I remember asking the mom "Are those foxes?" and she yes they were always there.

*To dream of foxes means someone around you is sly, or cunning, there is trickery. I have no trust in my life at the moment.

Now the water it was dark, swampy, murky.

*This represents difficulty.

In order to get to the car we had to go into the waist deep water on the left. I put my feet in, but I had on high heels and did not want to go any further so I walked back to the road and waited for them to come get me.

*Now with the high heels that expresses such femininity, assurance, but it can also mean you don't feel as if you can fully and whole-heartily express yourself.

*Water is such a strong sign to see in a dream, but the fact that I was afraid to go into it. So unsure. Even though I was not submerging myself into the dark waters. I can only take it as the depression I am trying to fight. I refused to go in deeper.

*Of course a road means journey or some sort, but ended up waiting on the side of the road.

Getting in the car. It was a safe ride and I felt so comfortable with everyone in the car we had long conversations, and even though they were all French everyone spoke in English to make me feel welcomed. I just really remember the feeling of being safe and accepted.

* to dream of a car can mean quite a bit as well symbolize the physical self or ego development ans ego function. The movement of the car is way of feeling like I am making progress in my life, and I feel in control. However being the passenger and not the driver symbolizes someone else is in control at the moment. 

Dream Catcher

Dreams can have so many different meanings. Most people forget them before they wake. Some people have the same re-occurring dream.

For me it's a nightmare.

The same thing death and murder.

Waking up to this almost every morning can be harsh on the soul. After researching this subject it seems clear, that it is simple their is a negative in my life and I want to make someone go away. Not necessarily kill them off I suppose.

All of this gets me thinking about an ex-boyfriend that I had. To this day I think that he is the worse person I have ever met. And I remember having a dream, well nightmare, about being murdered while I was lying right next to him.

First sign. Right?

He was mean, arrogant, always right, never ever listened to what someone else was saying, he lived his sad, boring life on this pedal stool. He was quick with words, and it seemed as if he HAD to belittle people and make them feel dumb and small just to prove something to himself. If we were having a fight their would be no reason to debate back, because he was ALWAYS right. You were dumb therefore your opinion, feelings, and thoughts were void.

Thinking back on it. I never really got to know him because he didn't know himself. When he and I hung out we could only do what he wanted. So therefore he never got to know me. The only time I smiled or laughed was when other people were around or when I was not in his presence.

I escaped that relationship. I promised myself I would surround myself with people who looked at me as an equal. Who wanted to get to know me, who would ask me what I wanted to do every once and a while, and enjoyed laughing with me. People who had a favorite ice cream flavor we could eat together, favorite song we could dance to, favorite place to go, where we could just sit in silence and enjoy each other

The dreams stopped.

Now all of a sudden they have returned more intense than when I was in a committed relationship. So the question is how do I make these nightmares stop???

I am already dealing with so much, and trying so hard to fix my life right now. The last thing I need is for my dreams to start haunting me during the day.

I am reaching out my hands trying to find love and support, but I keep getting the exact opposite. Since when did we as the human race lose compassion, heart, and become almost robotic. I know I have to do this on my own, but love and support should be there. Well at least that is what I thought.

I am prepared.

Just like I didn't let my ex win, nor will I let whatever is causing these dreams to haunt my sleep and my mind when I am awake.

Battle Armour is on...

"I am not afraid to keep on living , I am not afraid to walk this world alone"

" Well is it hard understanding

I'm incomplete
A life that's so demanding
I get so weak
A love that's so demanding
I can't speak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone" My Chemical Romance, Famous Last Words

one white flag

Can writing make the pain better?

Can the realization of everything you did wrong in your life make things right?

Alone always have been and always will be.

There is no "We will get through this, or what are We going to do?"

I feel stronger, but I am done fighting.

I just want to be...

I just want to move on.

The white flag I keep dreaming about... that damn white flag is plaguing me.

It's over. I surrender.

the journey (part 10)

I close my eyes, and felt the sun on my face.

Things are getting better.

I have gone through so much in the past year and a half and just when I thought things would get better, when I thought I was taking a step in the right direction. Everything got worse.

But I sat there alone. Journal in hand wishing I had something insightful to write.

....

Nothing.

Page blank except for the dots left by my pens failed attempt at writing.

I found my way back to my heart. Back to my core.

For just one minute of one day.

And I had no words for it.

Truly the most important beautiful moments in our life will render us speechless and the only thing we could take away is what we went through to get there.

And appreciate that moment for all that it is...

everything I needed.

silence and a friend

If I had to sum up my life in four words it would simply be this:

'truth but no logic'

I have gotten so far away from myself. Away from my core. Today I found myself asking permission to do simple things that I would normally just do.

I have become afraid to be myself.

Asking if it is okay if I have fun.

I can feel again.

I can feel mother earth.

I can see her beauty.

Just one afternoon did that. I opened up what I have previously turned off.

**The pleasure in being able to express yourself without having to explain yourself is a gift.**

People who live the way that I live, the people who can look at an item, a scenario, a situation, and see its 'truth without needing the reasons' can sometimes feel as if trapped in a prison when they have to constantly explain

Drowing. I couldn't catch my breath.

A friend reached out a hand and pulled me up, as he knew that is what my soul had been screaming for.

Silence

The soft gentle sound of the ocean against the rocks, and the sound of the wind.

Feel

The cold push of the wind followed by the warmth of the smiling sun.

Some days are bad, some days are just what we need.

We are all different.

Today was just a bonus day for me. I am sure tomorrow will go back.

But today I

laughed

smiled

got to stop and admire beauty

sat still and just let the earth and the universe speak to me

and what it told me...

I need to except others for who they are, but they need to except me as well.

I need friendship and conversation and that is okay

I should never bottle up my personality because someone else wants me to

and call me what you want:

I don't need logic....

I can find the beauty and truth in things without it.

words

Someone else's words can make you sit and think.

Their words can come out of their mouth like a dagger

sharp, and stab you in the heart.

Someone else's words can open our eyes,

but our stubborness and blindness make them so hard to see.

Someone else's words can cause more pain than you want.

No apologies, because they don't care, their words showed they never did.

Someone else's words can make you cry.

They fly out of their mouth and land gently on your heart.

tears of joy, laughter, and love.

Someone else's words can make you heart melt.

They wrap around you like a warm blanket on a chilli day.

Words are the strongest weapon

The gentlest creature

It can make a person

Break a person

Cause the worst kind of pain

Be behind the most amazing joy

Bind together something that has been broken

Finally sever that thing that has been cracked

Words can do so many things

But mine are all that I have

sad

Boring

Just plain boring

Ever since we were fifteen, it has been the same. you won't do anything unless it made you happy or you were comfortable.

Always was that way, you always will be I suppose.

I put up with it. Our friendship was always on the terms of what you liked and what made you happy if not you would get angry...

I thought I left you behind.....

I thought I found people who were interested in doing things out of their "norm"

but it's always the same....

They will do only what makes them happy.

I try to think back on all the times I did something with a friend that I didn't want to do. And how much I was happy I did it in the end.

Friendship is not a one way street. You have to give a little of yourself if you want it to grow.

I am sad today.

I keep asking and asking, keep reaching out and opening my heart and my arms

only to be ignored and pushed aside, and scolded when I retreat back into myself.

This friendship is a losing battle, but in order to survive I have to keep trying, just me, or I will go down in flames.

But not today...today I am tired of trying

today the weather out ruled my friendship, my conversation, just a chance at fun.

today I am sad

the journey (part 9)

Learning lessons, we are all always learning. It is up to ourselves if we want to take from them or live a life without growth.

Call me what you want, I believe in the universe, and destiny. I don't think it's a cop out or a way to escape logic.

I want to feel.

Why live this life numb, searching for false hopes, because it's what I think I need.

I want to feel life.

It's starts with closing my eyes

my nose gets a little tingle

the tears that are pushing their way to the surface burn the back of my eyes as they come fourth.

my chest hurts

I have felt

I am feeling life

The pain of reality is so real, but when you are down so far their is no possible way that things can get worse.

or maybe that is what I tell myself just to feel better.

I only have myself

After many bouts with this realization, wanting to give up, people pushing me down with their ideas because they are too close-minded to see my way, words lost in translation, my head on a cloud.

I have learned something....yes a lesson

My life is hard, but it will be a great life.

Wine on a Wednesday, party on a Tuesday

Live life, take the pain, take the good, cease every chance you get to become a better person, and run with it.

And never ever let someone else's cynical views, lack of heart, lack of life, lack of truth, push you away from:

living

learning

joy

peace

hope

and knowing that all these things contribute to your growth

Learning lessons, we are all always learning. It is up to ourselves if we want to take from them or live a life without...

get off your high horse and step on to your soap box

" The golden moment in the stream of life rush past us and we see nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they are gone."

~ George Eliot

We only realize things when it's too late. Oh the beauty in life and growing as a person.

Growing

Why would a person not want to grow?

Why would a person want to live in blindness, darkness?

Who sees bliss in ignorance?

Hurt the people you say you love just to make yourself happy.

~when a person steals his bounty, he spends the rest of his life fighting to keep it, he can't just enjoy the beauty in it.~

that goes with all things when selfish reasoning is involved.

So what am I trying to say?

Simply

I am proud of the person I am, bad times and all. I am honest and true and even though I keep getting used up, wadded up, and thrown away like trash.

I refused to live in the darkness, I WILL find beauty in all of this:

and I will STILL treasure my friends, even though they all see me as disposable.

letter to a friend

I want so bad to be able to tell you what I see from my end.

Things that are good are worth fighting for, never back down from it.

When you look that person in the eyes, and you don't feel that gut feeling that says this is right...

then it's not.

As a friend it pains me to see you fighting for something that is gonna end in a bad way.

Sometimes there are so many mistakes made, you can't fix it, no matter how hard you try.

I see you wasting precious energy on something that can not be saved. I look in your eyes and see the conflict.

Why does this have to get so bad before you realize that it is done, it is over.

It is time to focus on you.

You can be fixed.

You can be happy.

Don't settle because of guilt.

I love you and I pray to all the Gods that you have peace.

You can rest your head without stress of a lost cause.

Solace

Because you and I both know that if you were to end this, next week your heart would be at ease.

confusion of sadomasochism

I am reading a book that is about Sadomasochism it is simple and easy to understand.

One person gives the pain -Sadist

One person receives pain - masochist

simple right?

Everyone has a dark side Everyone

Do you ever think that people who are conflicted and confused use their own form of sadomasochism in a different way, like with their hearts.

**To pick and be with a person who puts your heart through pain and turmoil, just to take them back again.

Maybe they get a rush from the tears, the pain, then the kisses and the intimacy that follow. it let's them know that they can feel.

**To pick and be with a person who you know you can put through pain and turmoil, just to come crawling back saying you are sorry.

Maybe you get a rush from the tension and anxiety that leads up to that moment.

conflicted people are a funny thing.

People get judged for dressing in black, stepping on a stage and getting tied up, whipped, or poked and prodded with sharp objects...

But the truth is...they know themselves, they don't hide, pretending that they don't enjoy the pain. They get judged for being real.

People look in disbelief saying they don't understand, then they go home to their mind-numbing twisted relationship, all the while ignorant to what is real and evident in their own life.

They enjoy the pain in getting hurt.

They enjoy hurting the ones they love.

how else will they get excitement in their straight- laced life?

I have been spending a lot of time by myself lately.

But I gotten out of touch with myself

As if my body is on a parallel plain

meditation is hard for me these days

but even I can spot and recognize classic signs of the s&m minds

if only these people knew what it would feel like to be free.

conflict of love and anger

when the anger is so sharp that your head hurts.

take a step back, take a breath, and always, always hold your tongue

Not anymore, it seems trying to do the right thing is being used as a weapon to stab me.

I always thought it was okay to be human, and mess up, but once you realize it you should try to make things right.

I was wrong. Very very wrong

the journey (part 8)

A never ending ride of learning about yourself.

We all have times when we look deep down and see who we are, and realize...

If that person were someone other than myself I would not want to be around them.

Do we hide from who we truly are because sometimes the truth is hard to take?

Or do we stand tall and face the bastard and fix ourselves and our fatal flaws?

it's all a part of the journey