LH-4

These four walls are closing in on me.
No daylight. No sun
Florescent lights are suffocating.

I lay in this bed, nothing to do or say.
Occasionally ask the nurse
'hey will I be okay'? will my babies be okay?

The beeps and sound let me know that I'm still alive
Even though I feel my life has left me still.
The beeps and sounds let me know that I'm still alive
Even though my friends have all disappeared

These four walls are closing in on me.
Three people are here.
Keep me from being lonely

Oh I'm so lonely

The pokes and prods let me know that I'm still alive
Even though I feel my life has left me still.
The pokes and prods let me know that I'm still alive.
It keeps this pregnancy true and reality real.

I feel the movements in my belly and I start to flip
Can this be true it's way too soon
Not ready, not equipped

i want them happy, want them healthy yep I really do.
but this room is killing my spirit.
What a catch twenty-two

Occasionally ask the nurse hey will I be okay?
Will my babies be okay?

These four walls are closing in on me.
But I can't leave because I'm way too sick.

Go n-eírí an bóthar leat.

**When you have to see the color of crimson to feel
Numbed by emotional pain, physical is all that's real
Razor to wrist
Hit the wall with a fist**

How do you change if these actions lead to a journey down a dark winding road?
A road that ends in utter destruction, and all that's left is a wreath to mark your remembrance.

Passion comes in many different forms
Too much for some to handle.

Blinded by the world, and what society deems as successful
You seem to fall into the trap, the pain, of knowing and feeling that you are not good enough.

I've looked in the mirror and have seen a blank slate staring back
No reflection at all.
I've been on the floor covered in red, thinking this was the only
Way to feel the passion, pride, pain, and any other emotion
I've been the girl who looked at what my counterparts had
And felt below them beneath them

Then I remembered


Passion DOES come in many different forms

I made my life what I wanted it to be

Go n-eírí an bóthar leat. (may you have a successful journey)



So yes, I sold my car, and walk everywhere, I have tattoos, I'd rather pull off my fingernails then work in an office building, or live in the suburbs and have the "American dream"

**and these do make me dumber than, less than, or worse off than you.**

To make this life (my life) a successful one. I had to find that passion that fit me like a perfect pair of jeans.


Jeans that are not stained with red spots of emotion.

Nested

If you were to ask most people where there home was, you would get a response that would end up being someone's house. It could be there grandmother, mother, or an occasional state would be named.

In my case home is not a specific place.

What is home to me???

That feeling that you get when you are in a room full of people you love and enjoy. The comfort of knowing that these people truly care for you and your well-being as you for them.

Walking down a street, and hearing the music blast from the neighborhood bar. Knowing the names of the coffee house baristas and the Subway workers.

The two chairs that will fold out and serve as comfort while a friend and I sit outside my door, have a few drinks, and simply catch up.

Sitting on the bed with a friend and just chatting.

When even just the thought of these things bring relief to my soul I know that I am doing well. I have been well.

You never know how therapeutic home is until you are away from it for a while. Your soul craves for the comfort so much you physical body starts to break down. This feeling, of withdrawl has let me know that I have chosen well for myself.

Where I am is, where I need to be right now.



Where I have chosen to place my heart at this moment in my life. Is the place that I have nested as my home.

I used to think that change was so subtle, you didn't know that it was happening until the transformation was already done. That has proven false for me lately.

Life started to actually happen

so quick, so fast
it started to smother me

I felt as if I was a tiny little mouse caught in a maze. Only there was no way out.

There is no way out.

The only thing that is left to do is turn around and face the future with a brave face, and tell it to kiss my ass I am not afraid anymore.

I also had no idea that I needed to be more humble about things, but that came and knocked my feet right out from under me, cowered me, and made me bow before it's presence. So I am taking all the advice it's feeding me and trying to live as if at any moment it will come back and pimp slap me back down to size.

To my left now lies two small lives I am responsible for. Did I ever really take care of myself before? How can I help them? How can I keep them safe, and give them everything they need? How can I do this alone?

The truth of the matter is, if I keep asking these questions I will do no justice for me or them. I just have to keep scratching at the door until a kind passionate soul opens it to let us in.

Giving up is no longer an option.

Being strong, capable and fighting harder than I ever fought before is the only that I can do.

I had to realize that change is simply a way of life. No matter how fast or slow it happens.

Once life actually starts

It's a beautiful thing.

words at 4am

So many words to say
but I don't how
I wonder what allows me to live
and bear this gift I have to give

Everyday I wake in disbelief
I can't believe what happening
Every urge says run hide
But nothings bigger than pride

How do you cope
I'm living on excitment and hope

How will we live
In my head I'm still just a kid W
ho has to make a choice it's not just me anymore
At first there were two of us, but one he ran for the door

I have to be strong
I have to carry on

For the three of us,
for the three of us

I look down at my arm and I see what I've always known

I touch the ink stain

There's always beauty in pain
Life lessons learn and maturity gained

It's gonna be hard, but I'll stand with you through the rain
From the moment I felt you move
I knew my life wouldn't be the same

I will always love you, believe, you are my treasures true.
My little Irish roses, your mommy is here for the three of us