Journal entries
February 22 2011
Running, running, through a thicket of brush, lost, out of breath; it IS possible to drown while standing on solid ground. No time! There is no more time. How can a person so lost and confused ever find their way?
She lays there staring up at the ceiling wishing the crushing pain in her heart would stop, but she knows the only way to do that would be to make her heart stop all together. If only she didn’t have that teeny, tiny twinge of “I refuse to quit” in her.
If only, if only.
IN ORDER TO BE FOUND, YOU HAVE TO BE LOST
April 12, 2011
When I was 14 my mom held my arm up in front of her friends and shook it so that my arm fat went back and forth, and said, “look at it her arm is bigger than mine!” I am now 27 and I am still struggling from the disease that it brought on, bulimia. I thought it was fixed. I thought I was done with it. But I have gained 30 extra pounds due to this stupid post pardon depression. (I have been so alone in a dark place with no one who could even comprehend even a little bit of what it feels like to give birth to two amazing twin babies and fail at everything I have tried to do.) I looked to food as comfort (yes it is a real thing). I have been on the wicked diet and tonight at 12:30am while out bowling I ate a slice of pizza so I would not get too drunk. I immediately came home and threw it up.
I know it is bad, as I also know that when I lose self-control I will fall back to that easy habit. I will be an official personal trainer soon. How can I motivate people to the right thing when I suffer from such a great disease? Richard Simmons did it right? I can’t help but think that my relapse is due to the fact that deep deep down in my hear t I am I want to be perfect so that I can…. You know what I don’t even want to write the truth down because that will make it real, and I am not ready for it.
I do know that tonight will not define the rest of my life. I saw what lead me to the big mistake and I will fight to not make it again.
I am sad right now, not really sure why. I guess that is the big thing with depression. The harder you try to push it away from your life, the harder it tries to grip on your soul and push you down.
I don’t want to be a prisoner anymore.
This journal is the only friend that I have that I can have a serious talk to about life, it’s pain, lose, gain all those things. Except there is no brilliant other point of view to listen to after I pour my heart out. It is just me. So In the silence and solace I have to figure out life for me and my daughters. It’s a scary thing to face, but I have to it right? Of course this is life it will pass all of us by and that is what I have been letting it do to me for the past few years. I have not been moving forward I have been stuck in one place. I have always talked about what I wanted to do, but I never ever took the steps to get it done, and I am tired of just talking about the great things I want to do. I want to live them out and tell people how amazing it was. I genuinely want to help people.
March 26, 2011
I have been afraid of my own thoughts, afraid of the truth. What is the truth? I am a lie, my life is a lie, all of it, my entire existence is a big façade. So is this it? Is the big lesson we need to learn? We are all born one person this lie, this shell of a human being, and in the journey we have to find the real “us” the” truth”
It has to be because I am not this person who has taken over my body. She is fat, lazy, gluttonous, a loser, a selfish loser who had not one single strand of hope. She has no hope. But I’m here. I am buried real deep. So… deep.
I want my body back.
The beautiful, strong, healthy, well-liked body.
Tug- of-war.
How do I fix this. How do I access that part of my mind? The one that doesn’t need feel – good pleasures to survive.
I want to become obsessed. I want to be obsessed by the thought that I need to be a better person. I want it to become me, define me, and make me who I am. I want it to consume me, engulf me like it were the flames and I am on the steak.
She’s sad. She wishes she were a better person, but she can’t get out of the comfort of her “lie”
