the journey (part 9)

Learning lessons, we are all always learning. It is up to ourselves if we want to take from them or live a life without growth.

Call me what you want, I believe in the universe, and destiny. I don't think it's a cop out or a way to escape logic.

I want to feel.

Why live this life numb, searching for false hopes, because it's what I think I need.

I want to feel life.

It's starts with closing my eyes

my nose gets a little tingle

the tears that are pushing their way to the surface burn the back of my eyes as they come fourth.

my chest hurts

I have felt

I am feeling life

The pain of reality is so real, but when you are down so far their is no possible way that things can get worse.

or maybe that is what I tell myself just to feel better.

I only have myself

After many bouts with this realization, wanting to give up, people pushing me down with their ideas because they are too close-minded to see my way, words lost in translation, my head on a cloud.

I have learned something....yes a lesson

My life is hard, but it will be a great life.

Wine on a Wednesday, party on a Tuesday

Live life, take the pain, take the good, cease every chance you get to become a better person, and run with it.

And never ever let someone else's cynical views, lack of heart, lack of life, lack of truth, push you away from:

living

learning

joy

peace

hope

and knowing that all these things contribute to your growth

Learning lessons, we are all always learning. It is up to ourselves if we want to take from them or live a life without...

get off your high horse and step on to your soap box

" The golden moment in the stream of life rush past us and we see nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they are gone."

~ George Eliot

We only realize things when it's too late. Oh the beauty in life and growing as a person.

Growing

Why would a person not want to grow?

Why would a person want to live in blindness, darkness?

Who sees bliss in ignorance?

Hurt the people you say you love just to make yourself happy.

~when a person steals his bounty, he spends the rest of his life fighting to keep it, he can't just enjoy the beauty in it.~

that goes with all things when selfish reasoning is involved.

So what am I trying to say?

Simply

I am proud of the person I am, bad times and all. I am honest and true and even though I keep getting used up, wadded up, and thrown away like trash.

I refused to live in the darkness, I WILL find beauty in all of this:

and I will STILL treasure my friends, even though they all see me as disposable.

letter to a friend

I want so bad to be able to tell you what I see from my end.

Things that are good are worth fighting for, never back down from it.

When you look that person in the eyes, and you don't feel that gut feeling that says this is right...

then it's not.

As a friend it pains me to see you fighting for something that is gonna end in a bad way.

Sometimes there are so many mistakes made, you can't fix it, no matter how hard you try.

I see you wasting precious energy on something that can not be saved. I look in your eyes and see the conflict.

Why does this have to get so bad before you realize that it is done, it is over.

It is time to focus on you.

You can be fixed.

You can be happy.

Don't settle because of guilt.

I love you and I pray to all the Gods that you have peace.

You can rest your head without stress of a lost cause.

Solace

Because you and I both know that if you were to end this, next week your heart would be at ease.

confusion of sadomasochism

I am reading a book that is about Sadomasochism it is simple and easy to understand.

One person gives the pain -Sadist

One person receives pain - masochist

simple right?

Everyone has a dark side Everyone

Do you ever think that people who are conflicted and confused use their own form of sadomasochism in a different way, like with their hearts.

**To pick and be with a person who puts your heart through pain and turmoil, just to take them back again.

Maybe they get a rush from the tears, the pain, then the kisses and the intimacy that follow. it let's them know that they can feel.

**To pick and be with a person who you know you can put through pain and turmoil, just to come crawling back saying you are sorry.

Maybe you get a rush from the tension and anxiety that leads up to that moment.

conflicted people are a funny thing.

People get judged for dressing in black, stepping on a stage and getting tied up, whipped, or poked and prodded with sharp objects...

But the truth is...they know themselves, they don't hide, pretending that they don't enjoy the pain. They get judged for being real.

People look in disbelief saying they don't understand, then they go home to their mind-numbing twisted relationship, all the while ignorant to what is real and evident in their own life.

They enjoy the pain in getting hurt.

They enjoy hurting the ones they love.

how else will they get excitement in their straight- laced life?

I have been spending a lot of time by myself lately.

But I gotten out of touch with myself

As if my body is on a parallel plain

meditation is hard for me these days

but even I can spot and recognize classic signs of the s&m minds

if only these people knew what it would feel like to be free.

conflict of love and anger

when the anger is so sharp that your head hurts.

take a step back, take a breath, and always, always hold your tongue

Not anymore, it seems trying to do the right thing is being used as a weapon to stab me.

I always thought it was okay to be human, and mess up, but once you realize it you should try to make things right.

I was wrong. Very very wrong

the journey (part 8)

A never ending ride of learning about yourself.

We all have times when we look deep down and see who we are, and realize...

If that person were someone other than myself I would not want to be around them.

Do we hide from who we truly are because sometimes the truth is hard to take?

Or do we stand tall and face the bastard and fix ourselves and our fatal flaws?

it's all a part of the journey

the Remedy

I needed it to happen I have been craving for a moment, and night like this one.

a night that reminds you, that you still are you, even if it is buried deep down

a little light has finally shown to prove I am still there.

I have been asking the same person for this for a week now, but he didn't get it...

Maybe our friendship is more out of sync than I thought.

A night of drinks and laughs

Home, laughs, humor, stories,

fall asleep in mid-sentence

For the first time in months I feel asleep with my mind at ease. Stress was gone.

All it takes sometimes is laughter and friendship.

just to show me that I can still be that fun, goofy girl, a fighter

who will make it....

what is real

Bull Crap

That is what all love songs are....

No one in the world can, will, or have ever truly felt this way.

Love songs are just little glimpse of hope that maybe one day we could all actually feel something real.

Feel something other than our own selfish thoughts.

We are all too scared to feel something that is real

cowards.... all of us

Bull Crap

That is what all love songs are...

the journey (reprise)

i am pushing you out of my heart to save my heart

i love you dearly

the journey (part 7)

We all have flaws.

That to me is what makes us human.

We learn to live with these imperfections, we have no other choice.

We have to carry on.

I am learning my biggest imperfection is not who I am

but what I am.

It hurts to know that is what others see when they look at me.

It is what they use against me. It is what they say when they describe me.

I cannot change my past, which has given me the labels I bear today.

single mom, unemployed, worthless.....

So what do I do with these things, when I am reminded of them every day, as what is wrong me.

That is a matter in which I am still learning to deal with, I guess.

wrong castle

If I am the damsel

But you are not my prince

Why are you rescuing me?

Shouldn't you throw me back, and let me wait for my charming to come?

If I am the damsel

And you are not my prince

Why are you keeping me safe?

Shouldn't you be chasing after your own princess?

Clearly she is in distress....

I am the damsel, but you are not my prince

So stop sweeping me off my feet

the journey (part 6)

.......... I just read over the letters I have been writing, and all I can see is me crying out. I have been begging (it seems) just to have someone there for me. to 'have my back'

Maybe that is the missing piece of my life. I just need someone to cheer me on in a postive way.

I feel completely alone.

Not alone in the I want a boyfriend or a lover kind of way. but in the I deserately need someone on my team kind of way.

[Cos' right now I am not even on my own team.]

I need myself on my team.

I have been trying to do what everyone else wanted me to do, and take care of everyone else besides myself, that I somehow left my own team. I stopped fighting for myself. I stopped caring for myself. Not because I didn't love myself anymore, but because I got so wrapped up in the things I considered priorities I put myself last... then forgot about me.

I am tired so very tired. you, may very well be my sacturary, my place of rest, my homebase....

[exactly what I need]