drunk realization...

Why couldn't you wait??? Just one fricken week why couldn't you wait??

Why do you have to lie to me??? Do you think I am stupid? I can't wait to never see you again.

Pain so much pain. How can one person suffer from so much?

I am numb. but I have to remember....

everyone in the world is worried only about themselves and nothing more.

halo

sometimes you just need to hear a good love song...

the journey (part 5)

We all know that when I can't find the words to say out loud I write them.

27, I am 27 years old, and instead of things getting easier they get harder.

Still I know that I must stand up and face the world with my head held high.

At 5:38pm today I got horrible news at the same time from two different people.

This life just keeps on bitch slapping me, but I refuse to go down.

***I have decided to not believe in a God because one who is supposed to be all about love would never put one single person under so much stress***

Now back to the point at hand, and how I feel.

I know that I can't cry now because I would have no idea what I would be crying for.

I can't cry tonight because it very well may be for you.

I refuse to shed a tear with guilt and regret on the end of it.

Now dreams. It's okay to have dreams. Martin Luther King had one.. it worked out pretty well right?

So is it wrong for me to think that one day I could be happy? Is it unrealistic for me to vision better things for myself? Is it wrong for me to think that an idea, or a long time feeling could never blossom?

I know I can't cry now because that tear will cement the wall around my heart.

Neither you nor anyone else is allowed to make it harder for me to love and be loved.

I refuse to shed a tear with guilt and regret on the end of it.

When you really love someone, you want to see them happy.

So you shut-up, sit back, and let them live their life.

Even if you wish you had a chance just to see......

Well what ifs never happen.

I know that I can't cry now because I would have no idea what I would be crying for.

I can't cry tonight because it very well may be for you.

I refuse to shed a tear with guilt and regret on the end of it.

thoughts

People believe in a lot of things.

I guess belief in something greater keeps smaller, less open minds at ease.

I don't believe in a God, well not one that interferes in our lives.

So what do I believe in? I mean we all have to believe in something, that's just human nature.

Destiny, I believe from the deepest part of my gut that somethings are just suppose

the journey (part 4)

Everytime I look down at one of their darling faces I get a lump in my throat.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do, is the right thing to do.

Take that lump in my throat and swallow back the tears.

Push them down deep, and use them for fuel. Fuel to keep fighting.

I am fighting for them.

I will always fight for them.

Many people think I am crazy, but I have to leave. What is happening now is just not working,

so I need to try something new.

Leaving one love for another

This may be the best thing I have ever done with my life

or

It could simply lead to more lumps, and more fighting back tears.

More that I could just push down

Push them down deep, and use them for fuel. Fuel to keep fighting.

Nick Cave 'Into my arms'

I don't believe in an interventionist God
But I know, darling, that you do
But if I did I would kneel down and ask Him
Not to intervene when it came to you
Not to touch a hair on your head
To leave you as you are
And if He felt He had to direct you
Then direct you into my arms

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

And I don't believe in the existence of angels
But looking at you I wonder if that's true
But if I did I would summon them together
And ask them to watch over you
To each burn a candle for you
To make bright and clear your path
And to walk, like Christ, in grace and love
And guide you into my arms

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

And I believe in Love
And I know that you do too
And I believe in some kind of path
That we can walk down, me and you
So keep your candlew burning
And make her journey bright and pure
That she will keep returning
Always and evermore

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

the journey (part 3)

**pretty sure this contradicts part 2, oh the complexities of a troubled mind**

The stress is getting to be so much that I am getting physically sick.

I am at a breaking point...no wait

I've been broken.

I have no idea when I am going to throw my hands in the air and say:

I've lost

It's done

It's over.

I am the one who can choose when this journey is over? Or do I have to live it out miserable, tired, and alone?

Listening to the advice of everyone and just not knowing what to do.

What do I do????????

What do I do????

Every choice that lies ahead of me seems wrong.

Is that the stress talking?

Why bring my stress into the life of the people that I care for?

That to me seems wrong...

Maybe the lesson here is:

Stress should not be shared with the people you love. You should work it out on your own and only let it effect you.

After all....

people only want to help, as long as it will benifit them in the long run...

howl

florence + the machines *Howl

If you could only see the beast you've made of me
I held it in but now it seems you've set it running free
Screaming in the dark, I howl when we're apart
Drag my teeth across your chest to taste your beating heart

My fingers claw your skin, try to tear my way in
You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to howl
My fingers claw your skin, try to tear my way in
You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to

Howl, howl
Howl, howl

Now there's no holding back, I'm making to attack
My blood is singing with your voice, I want to pour it out
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloodied feet across the hallow'ed ground

Like some child possessed, the beast howls in my veins
I want to find you, tear out all of your tenderness


And howl, howl
Howl, howl

Be careful of the curse that falls on young lovers
Starts so soft and sweet and turns them to hunters
Hunters, hunters, hunters
Hunters, hunters, hunters

The fabric of your flesh, pure as a wedding dress
Until I wrap myself inside your arms I cannot rest
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloodied feet across the hallow'ed ground

And howl

Be careful of the curse that falls on young lovers
Starts so soft and sweet and turns them to hunters

A man who's pure of heart and says his prayers by night
May still become a wolf when the autumn moon is bright

If you could only see the beast you've made of me
I held it in but now it seems you've set it running free
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloodied feet across the hallow'ed ground

the journey (part 2)

So many things that I have learned in these 27 years.

Yet the biggest lesson so far would have to be this:

Keep your heart open always, and never let the people who betray you, stab you in the back, or who are dishonest effect the person you are or get in the way of the person you may be.

Trust, never let go of the trust you can have for others. If there is only one person out of twenty that you come across who is loyal, consider yourself lucky. And take solace in the fact that there is one person that has your back. Always have theirs and do what you can to be the best friend you can be to them.

In the end goodness will prevail, it always has and always will.

the journey (part 1)

It started 374 days ago...
I got on a plane.
Little did I know that stepping onto that plane would change my life
That is where the journey started.
Here I am a year later, not only staring in to my future, but my future is staring, smiling and cooing back at me.
Is this the way things were suppose to happen? Was all this supposed to happen to make my life start?
Questions that will never be answered untill the joruney is at an end.
There are very few (and i mean a handful)of people that are by my side doing what they can in this hard time.
People that will stay on my heart, in my life, and on my payback list forever.
After all they are all apart of the journey.
In most people's journey they search for love, understanding, happiness. I look for neither. I am okay with being alone, the love for my girls is fulfilling enough.

There have been only a handful of peope that have been by my side doing what they can .
Peole that will be on my heart, in my life, and on my payback list forever.
People that I will learn more more about, love more, and know and understand the true meaning of genorousity.

After all they are all apart of this journey

frustration

The only way I can express myself is through writing.
So what happens when I run out of words?
.......
I run out of peace.

rain drops

There I stood in the rain
the rain drops
as big as my tears, as cold as my heart
always lead along, but never taken away
always what people want, but never what they want to keep
this is my life.
Still I do not live in fear.
Once I had the bottle of pills in my hand
Once I let the stress, pain, and loneliness take over
Laughter....
The little one that I promised to take care of laughed.
Just. Once.
And the fear mealted. The pills were dropped. I decided to live.
Still, there I stood in the rain.
The heart I locked away, to hide and protect forever escaped.
A three day love affair with a hope and a dream.
A three day love affair with fear
not my fear, the fear I banished from my life
found its way back in the form of a blonde beauty
to lead me along, but never take me way.
Damn you feelings
Damn you heart
Damn you love
Damn you hope and dreams
and
Damn you fear
But keep the rain
It reminds me of the reality that will always be
my life.